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But I didn’t say it was EASY, and for most people, it’s not. In fact, most people are virtually never present during sex.
But what does that mean? I mean, if you’re having sex with someone, obviously you are physically in the same space with them, right? If the teacher called attendance in that bed, and she called your name, you’d say, “present!”
And yet, while they are indeed in the room, most people are mentally and emotionally checked out.
Where do they go?
Mainly to one of 3 places:
1) They are in fantasy, most frequently fantasizing about a different partner, more partners, a scene they saw on the internet, a situation they find sexy, or increasingly for men who watch too much porn, they fantasize about being home with their computer and watching other people have sex on the screen in order to get off.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with fantasy. Fantasy is great! But it is NOT presence, and if you find that you can’t get aroused without it, you’ve got some work to do.
2) They are absorbed in sensate focus, completely focused on the feelings in their own genitals and bodies. This is actually the recipe for good sex recommended by Masters and Johnson, and it’s not too bad. Certainly it can be very sensual, and it’s a degree more present than being in fantasy, because at least you’re in your body (which is in the actual room), and responding to what’s actually happening instead of the movie in your mind.
3) The third place that is far too common for people to be during sex is anxiety… the chattering voice in your head that says you’re not good enough, that you’re doing it wrong, that you won’t be able to stay hard, or won’t have an orgasm, or that you look weird, smell weird, or that you don’t know whether or not your partner is enjoying it or faking it.
This “chattering monkey mind” focus is the worst possible kind of sex, and it’s at the root cause of most sexual dissatisfaction. It’s no fun for either of you, and it can really shake your confidence inside and outside of the bedroom.
So it turns out that being present is extremely challenging for most people.
In fact, according to surveys, MOST people have NEVER had an orgasm while keeping their eyes open and looking into their lover’s eyes.
For many other people who have fallen into a mental pattern or either fantasy or anxiety during sex, forcing their mind to do something other than that is really challenging.
If you own any of my programs, then you’ve heard me say many times that taking up meditation is a good idea, and this is one of the specific reasons why: Meditating is simply the practice of getting your mind to do what you want it to do instead of just running wild in its habitual patterns.
Okay, so presence might be challenging, but it IS available to you right now, tonight, and if you’re willing to give it a try, it’s a great short cut to being truly amazing in the sack.
Here are 3 easy little tricks and tips for “how to” get yourself present with your lover…
Focus on taste and smell.
Taste and smell are the oldest senses. They developed long before more complicated things like touch and sound, and waaaaay before the super complex ability to see. Most single celled animals have the ability to sense chemicals in their environment (which is what taste and smell is) and either move towards or away from them.
Let yourself get really absorbed in your lover’s scent and taste, and you’ll discover that you can become quickly engaged in being present with them.
If you’re a beginner at this presence thing, I suggest that you wait until you’re already aroused, maybe even during intercourse, and then bring yourself powerfully into awareness of these primitive senses.
Let yourself really feel into the experience. With modern hygiene and deodorant, you may experience being unable to smell anything from your lover’s skin. Stay with it. Taste. Tune in to what’s deeper, underneath the smell of soap and laundry detergent. If you can, let it swoon you with pleasure.
And then continue making love to your partner while completely sensually absorbed in that sense of them.
2) Eye contact + emotion.
Anytime during sex, from foreplay to oral to intercourse to climax, find your partner’s gaze and make eye contact.
They may (probably) have their eyes closed. Gently invite or request that they look into your eyes…
And then share the emotion you feel right in that moment.
This could be a simple smile that says, “this is fun!” or it could be a sigh of sensual pleasure, it could be an aching gaze of pure love, a lip-bite of pure lust, or even a little laugh of feeling like a silly, naughty kid caught with your pants down.
You can use words here to say what you feel, or just a sigh, sound, or facial expression. Just get your feeling across, and then continue or return to making love.
Eye contact, and then share an emotion. See if you can feel your partner’s emotion to. Let it pass between you like an instant, sexy communication.
You don’t have to hold it for the entire session. It might be a moment, a few seconds, or a strong minute. You might find it threatening, beautiful, or hypnotic… but you’ll have made real contact.
3) Breath your lover
This is one of my favorites. When you do it, it’s just so amazingly… present!
Here’s how it’s done:
When you are making love to your partner move your face right beside or in front of his/hers. The easiest place to transition to this is while kissing. (In fact, kissing is a great place to be present, but it’s also easy to kiss while being in fantasy or sensate focus).
Then, when your partner exhales, ***especially when he/she moans, gasps, or sighs with pleasure, inhale their exhale into your mouth.
You don’t have to have a seal around their face like a scuba mask, you can have your mouth against his/hers or you can be several inches away, just feel yourself “catching” your lovers breath and taking it in.
You’ll begin by simply noticing when they are exhaling and catching it. Then you can intensify the game by feeling for when he/she is going to sigh or moan (or even scream out!) in pleasure, and inhaling their passion into your body.
This turns your focus powerfully onto being present with your lover’s pleasure, and creates an intense, passionate, and highly present feeling for both of you.
You can also hold back your own (authentically felt) moan of pleasure until you see that your partner is about inhale, hold your mouth close to his/hers, and breath your pleasure into their inhale.
You’ll light up every cell of their body.
You don’t have to do ANY of these little tricks the entire time. In fact, it will likely become weird and self-conscious if you try to. This is just the sugar you put into the dough that turns it from plain bread into delicious cake, or the spice that you add that turns bland, boiled food into a burning hot, exotic dish that your tastebuds will never forget.
And if you want a master tip for presence, then allow yourself to be sensitive to exactly how long you ought to continue any one of these techniques. Let the moment decide. Be present to when is the perfect time to transition into or out of any of these techniques. Once you are doing that, you are really, truly present with your lover.
This truly is an amazing shortcut to being a completely new experience for your partner during sex, because not .1% of people out there are even aware of sexual presence, much less trying to make it happen.
I would love to hear about your success stories, experiences (many people have experienced this during a “best sex of my life” experience, if even briefly– and elusively have not been able to re-experience it because they didn’t understand what it was that they were feeling), or of course any questions or comments below.